Football commentators - not even worth the beverages they consume

It will come as no surprise to any of you that I watch quite a bit of football.  I watch games on all three broadcasters each weekend.  Truth is that football is the only program I watch on the Seven network such is my contempt for their programming.  Occasionally I also watch one of the many midweek football commentary shows.  It has become routine for the football personalities involved in these shows to be either hopelessly biased or often plain wrong.  The other problem is that most of the drivel oozing from their gobs adds absolutely nothing to the picture on the screen.

The role of the commentator is to add value to what the viewer can already see on the screen.  In the world of AFL coverage this should involve explaining umpiring decisions, identifying correctly the player with the ball/making the tackle/etc, informing the viewer of things not on screen.  The last point is a big deal in the zoomed in coverage we are forced to live with as the viewer can't see the zone defence or open space.  The use of statistics both historical and current needs to be relevant and in context.

Instead of this we are forced each week to listen to over-used superlatives about 'special' kicks and 'clever' handballs.  Endless in-jokes and back-slapping between commentators is a sure sign that networks employ too many.  Channel Seven refuse to show live Friday night football as they claim they don't make any money broadcasting football.  Here's a saving of probably $250,000 a year (just in wages I reckon) - retire Bruce McAvaney and trim the commentary team to two in the stand and maybe one on the ground.  Sorry Richo, you're one of my all time favourite players and you've a great dry wit, but if I ran Seven sport you'd be out on your ear.  Network Ten and Foxsports are no better for excessive wage bills. 

Too often the bulk of the 'commentary' is a radio-like description of events.  Hello!!! we've had TV for over 60 years now.  I can see what's happening - although sometimes Seven's lack of HD broadcasting challenges this.  Time to figure it out: either stop babbling and congratulating each other on your latest bad pun, or add to the picture by telling me the name of the player with the ball, the guy chasing him, the bloke he's kicking it to, complemented with the odd statistic.  Commentators don't need to talk every minute of the game.  Especially now the umpires are wired for sound.

This year we have a substitute, yet even with a commentator sitting on the bench, it still takes the broadcaster and commentators a couple of minutes to announce the substitution.  Most knowledgeable viewers already know it has occurred as the fresh man has been seen in the play.  This drag, coupled with the awful 'repeat after me' interviews at quarter and half time involving players and coaches add nothing.  Sell another ad instead!  Lose the commentator on the bench.

Football and the footy media are a fairly small industry, so some conflicts of interest by commentators can be forgiven, but player managers whose sole purpose seems to be to talk up their stable of players need to go.  Goodbye Liam Pickering and Alastair Lynch.  On top of your general comments being bland, you just talk up your boys.  One club players and one-eyed supporters should not commentate on their own teams.  This would have spared us Eddie McGuire when Nine had the broadcast rights and would remove Malcolm Blight (Nth, Geel, Adel, GC) from a heap of games, not to mention Michael Christian (Col), Matty Lloyd (Ess), Steve Quartermain (Haw), Jason Dunstall (Haw) and McAvaney (Adel).  Oops, think I named the whole of Ten's commentary stable there!  Shameless barracking as perpetrated by these guys should be reserved for Rugby internationals.  Then there's Tim Watson and Essendon with his son as captain...

Commentators butcher the language, use the wrong word and convey a meaning entirely different to that fitting the situation.  On top of those grammar and vocabulary problems there is "footy speak".  Danny Frawley has been using the phrase 'chop-out' for about 18 months.  I still don't know what it is supposed to mean given the variety of situations he uses it in.  Spud is also guilty of bringing the um alternative yeh/no into common usage as the start of an answer.  Why can't the plural word players be used instead of playing group?  How has the word 'shorts' become a verb describing a short kick?  Commentary verbal diarrhoea can be blamed for the worst of it.  Thankfully 'substitution activation' that I heard a lot at the start of the season did not take off.

The last and most important bug-a-boo with football commentary is how often they are allowed to be just plain wrong.  Tony Shaw needs his eyes tested - often.  He can mis-identify a player about 10 times a quarter.  Confusing blonds with brunettes and big blokes with little blokes is pretty poor stuff.  Even worse is getting it wrong when watching the replay!  For the third time!  Shaw is not a lone member in the "struggle to perform the basic functions of my job" club either.  What kills me is that if the kid on the counter at KFC was wrong as often as Tony Shaw, he'd probably be relegated to mop and bucket for life, but Shaw is there year after year spouting cliches and the wrong player's name in the same breath.

So broadcasters, save some cash.  Sack most of your commentators and employ professionals to call the game and add to the picture.  Either that or give viewers the option to turn off the commentary and keep the crowd noise and umpires.